Comment on the last two dreams:
I vaguely remembered the story of Red Riding Hood from my childhood. I looked up the story on Wikipedia to see what else I might be able to glean off this last dream. I was struck by three things mentioned on Wikipedia about the fairy tale.

1) The symbol of RRH being cut out of the wolf’s belly as a representation of the dawning.

2) The story seen as a sexual awakening or a parable of sexual maturity.

3) As a warning to stay on the path.

It always amazes me how insightful my dreams are. What they reveal is always profound. Just last week I became willing to uncover another layer of my recovery that centers on sex and love issues. It has come as a result of my deep dissillusionment with the dating scene now that I am single. I’m just now getting to the point where I have sought out help from yet another support group in addition to my therapist. I have finally reached a point where I feel I can talk through my repressed and disassociated feelings. Many of these issues go back to my childhood. In my earlier dream where I am taking a shower to prepare myself for my date who is to arrive in 20 minutes, I instantly knew I had repressed layer upon layer (the t-shrirts) of childhood feelings regarding my sexuality. I need to work through those old feelings of feeling dirty and unclean in people’s eyes. I knew I was gay before I ever knew what sex was. I was probably in the 2nd grade a the time. I also know in order for me to ever have a healthy relationship in the future, I have to start by coming to terms with my behaviors surrounding my last relationship. On the bright side, it has the promise of being a short process, 20 minutes is not a long time to wait for a date to arrive into my life. I think most of the work has already been done. I’m already living a new life. The spiritual void I have been feeling as a result of my dissillusionment I believe God has given me so that I won’t gloss over my past as I have always done. I simply have to stop procrastinating and get in touch with those past feelings so that I can move forward and finally mature sexually.  I even signed up to go on a spiritual retreat with 33 other members of this support group for a weekend of workshops and sharing.  I’m looking forward to finally getting this stuff off my chest.  I’m going to purge it all and allow God to lighten my burdens.

Tags: Journal, Recovery by Ruben Bailey
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Early this morning, I had a dream where a guy who I’ve been working on getting together with for a date, calls me on the phone.  He asks me if I’m still interested because he has some free time today.  Excited at the prospect of a date, I tell him that I am interested.  He tells me it would have to be now since he has a commitment later in the evening.  He lives over near the aquarium shop where I frequently go.  I’ve traveled his path often.  I’m trying to give him directions but for some reason I’m having trouble remembering the turns he should take.  He tells me it should only take him about 20 minutes to get to my house.  I am thinking it will give me just enough time to shower and get ready. 

I hang up the phone and proceed to jump in the shower.  I notice the shower is configured exactly like the one we had when I was a child living on Crown Hill. Instead of having the knobs and showerhead at one end, they are mounted along the long part of the shower tub.  I feel dirty, sweaty and gritty.  I jump in the shower and begin washing myself.  I then realize I still have my t-shirt on.  I quickly take it off and continue showering.  Same thing happens.  I’m feeling unclean again.  I then notice I have another t-shirt on which is sticking to my skin.  Again with a bit of difficulty, I remove the second t-shirt and continue showering.

Again, I’m feeling dirty.  I then notice I have yet another shirt on.  What is going on?  I’m looking at the t-shirt and it is a t-shirt from my childhood which now fits way too tight on me.  Underneath that one I have 5 other layers of shirts on underneath.  They are all sticking to my skin with the water from the shower.  They are all shirts from different periods of my childhood.  I can’t get them off because they are simply too tight.  I need help getting them off but no one is around to help me. 

My ex Joe walks into the bathroom. I feel awkward about asking him to help me get ready for a date but he is the only one around who can help me.  At this point, I’m more interested in getting rid of this feeling of being dirty.  Underneath the shirts my skin is raw and very sensitive.  I realize my skin has not seen the light of day in a very long time.   I want to remove the shirts and allow the water to refresh my skin; to breathe freely.  I know I won’t be able to be intimate with someone until I allow time for my skin to heal.  I ask Joe to help me take the shirts off my back. 

Tags: Dreams, Recovery by Ruben Bailey
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